If I had a nickel for every time I said, "...only in San Francisco...", well, I'd make about as much money as I earn from this damn blog. Last night's Chaser was worth one of those nickels.

La Monistat is a local gay club promoter working her butt off to bring weird, retarded, sexy fun events to nightlife in San Francisco. Her Tuesday night club is Chaser at the End Up and this week she decided to hold a bear beauty pageant for the title of "Miss Grrrl". Grrrr! She recruited Sister Tuna Noodle Cocktail to help MC, hooked up with a group of DJ's called Electronic Music Bears and promoted the hell out if it on Facebook. I got swept up into the hype, and since the joint is only across the street, I decided to venture over.

I ran into Sister Constance at the front door looking bewildered. Security wouldn't let him in with a bottle of poppers and he didn't want to just dump it, so he didn't know what to do. I offered to go around the corner, stuff it in my boot and come back to be frisked. Worked like a charm, but really, who uses poppers anymore?

At first I was going to describe it as a drunken mess, but really, it was just a mess. Monistat opened the show in a bear suit, Tuna (upper left above) did a number with Jesus. They had to interrupt oral sex backstage in order to get the contestants to come out. Half the contestants didn't show up or sat in the audience, so they didn't know who was in and who was out. When Constance came out for the Beach Wear portion, he asked, "Is this the Evening Wear portion? Oh, it's Beach Wear? Okay", and proceeded to strip naked.

During the short break to "cover the stage in a tarp" for the Talent Portion, Constance pleaded with them to let him go first. For his "talent" he stuck a chocolate bar up a boy's butt and it was starting to melt. By the time he got to is act, it was already too late, the chocolate had disintegrated.

Danyol (left) was excited to make his first drag appearance onstage, but when it came time for his number the DJ yelled from the booth, "Your disc is blank!" He tried to sing something A Capella, but forgot the second verse.

Moving on, another contestant couldn't think of any talent, so he tried popping balloons and when that flopped, he just pulled out his dick. Thanks.

At one point, Tuna had the microphone in one hand, a clipboard and a drink in the other. When Monistat asked, "Who's up next?", Tuna tilted the clipboard to read it and spilled his entire cocktail. The crowd roared.

Visa Decline (below) was the surprise guest performer and did something (not sure what) with a unicorn on a stick. Mmmm. Unicorn on a stick sounds delicious right now...

A big ole girly bear with a 7 day beard (top right) saved the day by singing a well-rehearsed live version of "Sweet Transvestite". She rocked the house belting out that evergreen crowd pleaser. I forgot her name, but she won the coveted title "Miss Grrrl" and went home with a sash and Burger King crown.

THIS is why I spend ridiculous amounts of money to live here.